First Buddhist post

I was going to write out a big post on Buddhism as promised but honestly it was beginning to bore me. Here is the first installment of poems to explain my journey. Enjoy.

My last confession was sixteen years ago.
I’ve never regretted it, you know,
Letting go of believing in you.
You’re not a bad God, that is true.
You gave me no comfort, just emptiness,
You bring others a sense of calmness.
I don’t begrudge them, they have their path
I won’t point out the mistakes in their math.

I’ve found the Buddha, he was a man.
One man, who had a plan.
He tried every available teaching.
It made my brain ping!
Look him up, his story is out there
For anyone who has a care
To find the peace inside of them
Letting go of all the mayhem.

It is official, I am a Buddhist
I follow the path with trust.
That is the noble eightfold path
There isn’t any bloodbath
I’m not saying it is easy.
Every single day I see
The wisdom behind his words
And how to handle my life’s hazards.

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Paying my bills

For the last three and a half years I haven’t been able to pay my bills. Last month, and this month has been the first time I can pay my rent and electricity. Only a few of my close friends knew about my struggles the last few years, and even with them I didn’t go into details.

The other day I was walking through the city centre, it dawned on me that I could actually go into any shop and buy myself something. A bottle of water, a chocolate bar, a magazine, lipgloss, hair products, all the things I haven’t been able to buy. I actually strolled along the streets, I didn’t avoid looking at the shop windows, the big posters telling me that there is a sale on. I didn’t have to remind myself that even with a sale I couldn’t afford the products.

Finally, I threw out all of my clothes that no longer fit me and I am in the process of replacing them. I thoroughly enjoyed filling up that black bag with all those clothes! I bought a new phone, that has been the hardest purchase.

I have learnt a lot the last few years, I have witnessed how blind people are to situations that aren’t theirs. The amount of people that expected me to hop on a plane, because flights are so “cheap,” never once thinking of how exactly I would get to the airport, pay for my food, lodging’s, and all of the other costs that it takes to go somewhere.

I really want to go to a concert. I want to have a holiday with my boyfriend where it’s just the two of us. I want to buy dinner for my boyfriend at a nice restaurant. I want to buy a decent rain jacket, and a summer jacket. I want to buy shoes, and not ones to replace the battered and broken pair, but spare shoes. Imagine that? Having a spare set of shoes. I want to get a yoga membership. I want to get my teaching certificate.

And you know what? I can get all of these things. I will have to save but these things are possible, and that’s pretty incredible.

Why am I in a rush?

I took a break from the computer. I took a break from writing, from social media, from mounting stress on to myself to be a professional writer. I stopped writing in my notebook, except for a few notes scribbled as a vague idea formed. I stopped reading about other writers methods, stopped comparing myself to them.
 
Why am I in a rush?
 
I have been writing for 2 years: I have written 3 drafts of 2 books and I have felt the entire time a humongous pressure to be a professional writer. To be published. Why? Because of social media, the peer pressure, and the resulting feelings of inadequacy within myself.
 
It took me about 3 weeks to unhook the claws that social media had attached to my brain and my need to be “social”. Slowly, I felt the accomplishment of what I had done in the past 2 years flow through me. I kicked all the doubts, the to-do lists, and my goals out of my head. I reminded myself that 2 years ago I felt lost, no idea what I wanted to do with my life. Now, I am a writer. I am finding my own path. Just because so-and-so said, to be a writer you have to write every single day, does not mean that that is my path. I was planning on taking a one month break, it ended up 2 and a 1/2 months because I was exhausted.
 
I learned that all the “connections” I’ve made the last few months on social media were superficial. That hurt at first. I did not do this as a test, I left because I genuinely did not have the energy, physically or mentally, to do another blog post. It hurt because not one person noticed, or asked.
 
Then I asked myself, does it matter? I don’t know these people, why do I suddenly care why these people would notice my existence? This is the poison left over by the claws of the social media monster. I do not need you, and you do not need me. I will like and share your posts, but at the end of the day I am alone on my path. I know that now.
 
At the end of June, I decided that this time next year I would like to have draft 3 of book 1 done. I have swirled around and did an outline for 3 chapters that will contain all the information from the 1st 5 chapters. Tomorrow I will start the rewrite. I will no longer be as active on social media as I was this last year. Social media is a tool that I will learn to use correctly. This blog is still about my journey as a writer but I see no need to blog several times a week.
 
I do hope the summer is going well for all of you. Happy Sunday.

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Fitness Thursday 30/03

Health issue again!

Yesterday was the 1st day back writing. I had no choice but to enforce another break. Sunday, I woke with absolutely no ability to use my right arm. Not only was it dead, but also painful: I had pains in the palm of my right hand, my middle finger, ring finger and baby finger: pain for my wrist to my elbow: pain from my elbow to armpit: pain below my armpit, in my shoulder and the side of my boob!

The only thing I could do on Sunday was lie down. I couldn’t text. I could barely pick up a mug of tea. I have been on a strict diet of no phone, no computer, no writing. It is tough. Continue reading

18/09/16 Update

Writing
Another excellent week, I give myself full marks. 4986 words in my WIP, edited two 500 word stories and did another new writing prompt. I realise that I am only 20 words short of the 5000. There is the writing advice that says to stop in the middle of a sentence, to help the juices flow the following writing session. I cannot do this. I stopped at the end of the scene, and writing even 20 words would have meant that I started a new scene. I finished two chapters this week.
I’m trying to put humour into my writing. Continue reading