Why am I in a rush?

I took a break from the computer. I took a break from writing, from social media, from mounting stress on to myself to be a professional writer. I stopped writing in my notebook, except for a few notes scribbled as a vague idea formed. I stopped reading about other writers methods, stopped comparing myself to them.
 
Why am I in a rush?
 
I have been writing for 2 years: I have written 3 drafts of 2 books and I have felt the entire time a humongous pressure to be a professional writer. To be published. Why? Because of social media, the peer pressure, and the resulting feelings of inadequacy within myself.
 
It took me about 3 weeks to unhook the claws that social media had attached to my brain and my need to be “social”. Slowly, I felt the accomplishment of what I had done in the past 2 years flow through me. I kicked all the doubts, the to-do lists, and my goals out of my head. I reminded myself that 2 years ago I felt lost, no idea what I wanted to do with my life. Now, I am a writer. I am finding my own path. Just because so-and-so said, to be a writer you have to write every single day, does not mean that that is my path. I was planning on taking a one month break, it ended up 2 and a 1/2 months because I was exhausted.
 
I learned that all the “connections” I’ve made the last few months on social media were superficial. That hurt at first. I did not do this as a test, I left because I genuinely did not have the energy, physically or mentally, to do another blog post. It hurt because not one person noticed, or asked.
 
Then I asked myself, does it matter? I don’t know these people, why do I suddenly care why these people would notice my existence? This is the poison left over by the claws of the social media monster. I do not need you, and you do not need me. I will like and share your posts, but at the end of the day I am alone on my path. I know that now.
 
At the end of June, I decided that this time next year I would like to have draft 3 of book 1 done. I have swirled around and did an outline for 3 chapters that will contain all the information from the 1st 5 chapters. Tomorrow I will start the rewrite. I will no longer be as active on social media as I was this last year. Social media is a tool that I will learn to use correctly. This blog is still about my journey as a writer but I see no need to blog several times a week.
 
I do hope the summer is going well for all of you. Happy Sunday.

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